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7wildwaysup) wrote2009-12-01 06:26 pm
Flashes - Pre 1
It’s only a flash, then it’s gone…
I was always disappointed that Cowlip didn’t explore more of the loss of memory issues, and the depth of emotions that live unresolved in them. This fanfic explores the hidden emotions and the way memories can invade and consume your subconscious until they finally rear there nasty little head, or should I say a beautiful blond boys creativity.
Title: It’s only a Flash, then it’s gone…
Story Type: AR
Word Count: 1077
Rating: NC17
Warnings: None so far
Summary: Now for my take on what my Flash series is really about... is emotions... love, desire, longing, need, understanding, and pure lust...
Pre Chapter 1 – It’s only a Lie…
It’s only a lie… I always lied about it… The truth is I love him… I’m… well, I’m an asshole… that’s what they’d say, my friends… but an honest asshole…
I hate that I lied to him, there’s so much I wish I would have said… I don’t know how to act around him; I want so desperately to reach out to him… hold him… God I Miss Him…
I know I was wrong to push him away… and I know that I’ve hurt him badly… The truth is I’m just scared… I didn’t even realize what it was about him until he was gone… I suppressed my memories so deep, thinking I would find some kind of relief from all the pain…
I’m stuck here in a loop of my life; cast here to correct a mistake I made decades ago… I keep getting a change to make it right, but I can’t seem to figure it all out, again, until I’ve totally fucked it up, again… and then it all starts again…
I know who I am right now; I’ve never had a clearer vision of my past before… I’m Brett Aidan McKinney… (why did they have to fuck with my name…) of course the fact that I’m drunk, and high on a couple hits of E is helping making it all the more clearer… I think… I think I hear a knock at the door…
>>>>
It’s Alex right… I remember you Dr. Freud… What the fuck are you doing here?
You called me Brian…
I did… Why…
You said you had a breakthrough… that you remember you’re past…
Ok, I’m a little confused, I need someone to talk with, but I don’t remember calling him, I’ve hooked up with him several times at the baths and
He’s a little older, but still hot…
Brian… stop looking at me like that, I’m not here to fuck you… not now… not anymore…
Why don’t you just start with your memory…
Ok, it’s more like a feeling really…
That’s good too… even better…
When I’m with him…
OK, when I was with him… he made me feel… feel like the man I’m supposed to be…
I felt whole… calm… loved… like I didn’t need to put on that front, that mask that everyone seems to prefer these days…
He allowed me to be me, he accepted me, and even with all my flaws… even being a pain in the ass… and an arrogant son of a bitch…
Then I pushed him away… I got scared…
Now I lie awake all the time, I can’t sleep… I can’t help feeling like Justin’s dead… that he died in my arms…
But it’s worse… because he’s not really dead this time, this time he just doesn’t want me anymore…
He used to say he was onto me… but he can’t see me anymore… it’s like he’s drawn to me by instinct, he doesn’t really remember…
Back then, every once in a while I used to see him looking at me, and I knew he remembered me… me… not “this Brian” who’s been chosen to carry my burden… but me… Brett…
One hundred years and look at what I’ve degenerated into… a drunken whore, with a god complex… and suicidal tendencies…
And drugs… my god, drugs, I saw what they did to some of my friends… I never did them then; not like I do now… I knew better, I know what happens to the body… I’m just killing myself slowly…
Someone should have told me before I put that pretty little pistol to my temple that suicide is a crime that is punishable through multiple lifetimes… until the soul repents and corrects its mistake…
>>>>
So Brian, you still love him… you don’t think he knows…
I don’t even know you two that well, and it’s pretty clear to me and everyone else, you two are crazy for each other…
He’s in love with the violin player…
Do you really believe that… or is he just settling for pretty words… isn’t that what you said last week…
I talked with you last week…
Brian, you have been a patient of mine for the last few months…
Alright fine… your ultra-ego Dr. McKinney is a patient of mine…
I’m glad you called tonight, even at 2:30am… I’m glad you feel safe enough to talk to me, I want you to continue to keep a journal of all your memories, even if they don’t make since… they will some day…
Now I would really like you to consider throwing away all your recreational drugs, maybe even quit drinking and smoking…
I know how much you care about your body; maybe you should get a physical, just some baseline tests.
You seem to be under a lot of stress, and I would like to see you monitored by someone that specializes in internal medicine. I’m a psychiatrist…
It’s always good to have a clean bill of health… just humor me…
I’ll send you a bill…
Thanks Doc…
Just one more thing… do you think I’m crazy…
You know all these dreams… because it seems so real to me… it’s like time is… I don’t know… like I can step back into it so easily, do you really think they’re memories…
I don’t know, Brian, but I want to help you find out… I really think you need to tell him…
Tell him what; how I feel… or about my memories…
He won’t even talk to me… barely acknowledges me when I see him… mostly ignores me… of course, I’m probably being a jerk, and saying something snarky to him…
I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, and it’s been such a long time now since he was mine… I should be able to deal with this… now he’s even wearing his ring…
I remember our wedding rings… we were married in
Now I’m just a degenerate… I have nothing to offer him… not like before…
Oh Brian… It’s almost 5:00 am. Do you want me to make coffee so we can continue… or do you want to try and sleep… I’ll stay with you either way…
TBC
