![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
7wildwaysup) wrote2009-12-01 06:41 pm
Flashes - 1
It’s only a flash, then it’s gone…
Thanks to Masterglory for making my beautiful banner your help is greatly appreciated…
I was always disappointed that Cowlip didn’t explore more of the loss of memory issues, and the depth of emotions that live unresolved in them. This fanfic explores the hidden emotions and the way memories can invade and consume your subconscious until they finally rear there nasty little head, or should I say a beautiful blond boys creativity.
Title: It’s only a Flash, then it’s gone…
Story Type: AR
Word Count: 1002
Rating: NC17
Warnings: None so far
Summary: Now for my take on what my Flash series is really about... is emotions... love, desire, longing, need, understanding, and pure lust...
Chapter 1 - It’s only a Flash
It’s a flash, a flowing movement, the feel of something silky flowing through my hands. Then it’s gone…
It’s always the same, expect this time it’s different. I’m awake, it’s not a dream, and for the first time I’m left with an overpowering feeling of, of… love, happiness, and contentment. Like the universe has properly aligned for the first time in my life and anything’s possible.
But it’s just a fleeting moment in time, because my mind is slowly coming back to reality and I can hear that fucking violin screeching through my consciousness. God, I can’t believe I ever found that sound even the least bit romantic.
Now it’s just a constant reminder that the asshole won’t even consider getting a real job to help pay the bills we now eat cheese and crackers on the floor because we had to sell the dining room table to make the rent. Yummy cheese and crackers, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I can’t concentrate, I need to go for a walk, some place nice and quiet, and maybe I can get back to my dream? My dream, is it a dream, and what is this feeling I can’t seem to shake? I know I’ve felt it before, it’s funny, a little snippet, a flash of something that only lasts a few seconds and yet somehow my future seems to depend upon it completely.
Maybe I’m just going insane, maybe it’s not really anything, and maybe it’s just some spinning, swirly moment from doing to much E on the dance floor and trying to forget making the biggest mistake of my entire life.
Whatever it is, I guess I’m going to have to paint it to help understand it. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a series of paintings that would take me a lifetime to complete, and an eternity to understand?
I started out with an overwhelming sense of movement mostly in shades of black and white. The way the colors contrast, sweeping and dipping across the canvas, mixing in a rhythmic and suggestive manner. There is something ridiculously romantic about the way my art can be so abstract, and yet so extremely sensual to me, I wonder if anyone else notices it.
All I know now is that I seem to have found a place inside me that has been yearning to be set free, like I have found an inner peace that now drives my creative talents and leaves me feeling closer to knowing…
My professors have commented on the improvement in my artwork, and have provided me with a bigger workspace in the Commons that can accommodate the larger canvases I’m now working on, as well as keys so I come and go as my muse sees fit.
This new development in my artwork has put even more of a strain on my relationship with Ethan; to say he is less than supportive would be an understatement. He seems to believe that me giving up double shifts at the diner so I have more time in my studio at PIFA is selfish and disloyal to his ambitions of being the next great whoever the fuck… Does anyone under 60 really listen to violin music anyway?
Its depressing feeling stuck in a relationship with someone that you have now come to despise, pity, and yet somehow feel responsible for. He is less than romantic these days, and this is not how I thought things would be. He has even less time for me than Brian ever had; everything in Ethan’s life comes first, then me.
He’s so arrogant and self-absorbed; his whole life, he’s always been told how great he is, so when I say maybe he should contribute more to our home life… Cooking, cleaning, financially, or just pay a little attention to me, he says I’m the selfish one; I should be waiting on him hand and foot, because after all he is going to be a great violinist someday…
I can’t resist telling him today we need to eat dinner, and pay the rent, and no one is beating down the door to hear his music…
I’m not his wife, and he needs to grow up and act like he wants me, me… I can’t remember when the last time was we had sex… and when I fantasize about it, it’s always with Brian. It’s not that I resent not having all the things that I shared with Brian. It’s…
Brain, wow, that’s the first time I’ve let myself say his name, although he is always in the back of my mind. I just assumed that it will always be that way, you know, you never really let go of your first love.
Oh my God… That’s it, that’s the feeling I can’t shake. Somehow that flash of white light and swirl of color, yes it’s always changing now, different and yet very similar at the same time. But it’s always there, that overwhelming feeling of calm, of love and contentment, I see it in his eyes. His eyes…
His eyes; where did that come from? The answer is staring straight at me; my latest creation in its full glory 6 feet wide X 9 inches high, a sliver of his iris right in front of me, looking at me, the beautiful swirling mixture of amber and green painted by my subconscious. Yet I know it’s there, I saw it, if only for a few seconds, pure unadulterated love. He loves me…
I can’t place it, but I know I’ve seen it. That’s right, I’m on to you, Mister “I don’t believe in love, I only believe in fucking.” You so love me… Or you did anyway, even if you never said it, even if you never do.
I just can’t seem to place it, why would I forget something like that?
Maybe because Brian was a lifetime ago, I life I’m no longer a part of.
TBC
